Have you ever been put in a situation where you had mistakenly thought a 19-something girl to be the daughter of a much older acquaintance (she was not!)? Or for a 23-year old man to be the son of an older, distant female relative (he was not, either!)?
I would understand if, at this point, you will be shocked, felt embarrassed, or just simply broke away to start a tattling party with your other acquaintances. To the chagrin of some people, such a romantic relationship between two individuals of wildly differing ages does exist. And this agelessness has defied the conventional concept of a couples pairing, whether in love, or even in marriage.
You see, modern society does not even blink an eye when couples get married with only a few years’ age gap between them. For example, a two- or five-year gap between partners is considered ideal – even being in the same age bracket is okay. But what if the age difference is something like 10, 20, or even more than that?
Okay, so we tend to be more indulgent when an 18-year-old girl falls in love and marries a 27 or a 30-year-old guy. After all, in some parts of the world, child marriages are not unknown (horrible, but true). But what if the tables are turned and it is a woman in her 30s marrying a 20-something guy? Would society rear its ugly head and show its disapproval by being hypocritical in the way it deals with age gap relationships?
Modern society has even invented ugly names, like “gold digger” or “cougar”, depending on the age of the woman. Why is that? Can’t it simply be “love”? People see the guy as just entering the peak of his youth and vitality, while in the case of the woman, she might have already gone through several milestones in life, achieved her goals, and has now entered a more passive and complacent way of living. One maybe is just starting his career while the other is near retirement.
May and December.
Oh, give them maybe 10 years or more, and there would be a split, separation, or divorce (in other countries), or an annulment in ours (and that’s being said with sarcasm, sorry!).
But then again, why? Why can’t a younger guy honestly and truly fall in love and make a successful marriage with a woman, notwithstanding the difference in age? That woman can easily provide him emotional stability and be able to guide and share her wisdom because she “has been there” and “done that” before him. In other words, she can be the motivating factor in his growth towards success and maturity. Literally, the wind beneath his wings. A woman can be as young as she feels and enjoy the same activities as her partner, no question about that. With so many tools available to her nowadays, looking young is not a problem, either
I know an older woman must be mortally scared about embarking on a relationship with a man so much her junior. The first thing to bother her would be, “what will my friends and relatives say”? Undoubtedly, a support network could play a very important role in dealing with societal prejudices. But much more essential is for the couple to be emotionally invested and totally committed to the relationship so that negative reactions and criticisms will not prevail.
Being always a fighter at heart, I have always believed that people have no say in the life you lead. It is yours, not theirs. And whether you lose or succeed in that relationship is none of their business. Perhaps, they are just jealous?
Of course, there are other obstacles to be hurdled in an older woman-younger man setup. Financial – does the one who makes more money have the upper hand or control? Sexual – are they ready to have children or not? Also, there are those who say, with less sex (or with a waning sex drive) the marriage would be gone. Tell me, is it just sex that drives a marriage? What about affection, understanding, trust, communication, commitment, and more importantly, love for each other?
And lastly, health – for the younger partner, the fear of the older partner becoming sick or dying on him/her can be catastrophic. Will they be up to care for their partners or can deal with being alone when they are gone?
The thing is, everyone, no matter the age level, has financial, sex, and health issues. And there are always ways and means to address such issues, like honestly discussing and resolving them with your partners. Or having no high expectations and pressure from each other. Remember, nobody actually knows what will happen tomorrow.
By now, you must know that I am not against age gap relationships in marriage. In fact, I would gladly encourage my single, career-driven, and even my newly-single friends to take the leap and embrace love, whether it will be with a 20- or 50-something.
Suffice it to say, “When you fall in love with someone, age does not really matter.” That is coming from Lois Fisher, PhD., biological anthropologist from Rutgers University, who incidentally believes that “it is great to date someone who is older”. She is, by the way, married to a man, who is 21 years her senior. – NWI
