Have you ever been talking to someone and you realize that they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying? What they’re doing instead is waiting for you to finish speaking – if you’re lucky and they’re not the type to interrupt – so they can say what’s on their mind.
Annoying, isn’t it?
Are you guilty of the same offense? I know on occasion, I am, and when I catch myself doing it, I give myself a mental slap on the wrist and tell myself to cease and desist.
My grandmother used to say to me, ‘when your mouth is open, your brain is shut down.’ She could very well have been saying, ‘if you’re not truly listening to what another person is saying to you, other than to criticize, then you are not learning anything. You’re not having a conversation. Instead, you’re engaging in what I call dual monologues, because when the other person realizes that you’re not paying attention, they’re likely to do the same.
As a diplomat, I’ve seen this happen many times in negotiations. One side in the negotiation wants something but is unwilling to concede anything to get it. The result is both sides tossing talking points, charges, and countercharges back and forth across the negotiating table without ever getting to any kind of mutual agreement.
When the US and Vietnam were working out the program to account for missing Americans from the war, for instance, we wanted access to look for the missing, but didn’t want to let up on sanctions against Vietnam until they agreed, while they wanted relief from sanctions before letting us look for the missing. Until we broke that log jam, nothing was done. A similar situation is happening now with Iran and its nuclear program. They want us to lift sanctions first, and we want them to stop building the program first. Neither side, as far as I can see, is actually listening to the other side.
This same zero-sum mentality exists in family and personal relationships. I have a ‘friend,’ whose identity I will not share in order to preserve that relationship, who is a master of ‘non-listening.’ When she asks a question, usually a provocative ‘gotcha’ type, she never waits for the answer before launching into a diatribe. She also has an annoying tendency to have the answer to her own question in mind and gets very upset if the answer you give is different. This is a person who listens to argue not to learn – if you can call that listening.
Think about this the next time you’re talking to someone. Are you really listening to what they have to say? If you’re not, take a step back, close your mouth and open your ears – and your mind. You might just be surprised at what you’ll learn. – NWI
