Regardless of where you live in the world, it’s a safe bet that you have a relative, an uncle or cousin, who you see only on special holidays, and who makes that holiday unpleasant because he or she is an annoying know-it-all who has an opinion on everything and argues with everyone.
As my holiday gift to my loyal readers, I offer this guide for surviving a holiday with such a personality that will hopefully help you keep your sanity and the familial relationship intact.
First, accept that you will not win any argument with a know-it-all. This is not because your argument lacks merit, or your facts are weak. It’s because the know-it-all relative does not enter a conversation to exchange ideas. He enters it the way a raccoon enters a garage: with purpose, confidence, and no intention of leaving until every container has been overturned.
Your goal, therefore, is not victory. Your goal is containment. Think of yourself as a park ranger approaching a bear that has wandered too close to the picnic tables. You speak calmly, avoid sudden moves, and never, under any circumstances, wave a fresh opinion in the air.
If Uncle Harold announces that he alone understands the economy, the weather, college football, and why your dishwasher is installed wrong, do not respond with, “Actually…” That word is like a dinner bell announcing a five-course meal to a know-it-all.
Instead, learn the art of the noncommittal response. “You may be right” is a useful phrase, because it sounds like agreement while legally remaining a fog bank. “That’s one way to look at it” is even better, because it has the soothing quality of a porch swing and the substance of instant pudding. Use these sentences often. They are verbal throw pillows, softening the sharp corners of conversation.
Another very effective strategy is diversion. Know-it-alls feed on subjects with sides. Politics, money, medicine, and how to load a dishwasher are dangerous terrain. Move the discussion to neutral ground. Ask whether anyone wants coffee. Ask who brought the sweet potatoes. Ask the dog how his year has been. If necessary, drop a spoon. Families have been saved by less dramatic techniques.
If diversion fails, ask a question. The know-it-all enjoys answering questions the way a Great Dane enjoys an open car window. Ask, “How did you come across that?” or “What got you interested in that subject?” This allows the relative to continue feeling brilliant while buying you precious time to move to the sideboard where the pies are kept. It also turns combat into autobiography, and most people are far less hostile when narrating their own greatness.
You can also establish a private emergency signal with a trusted family member. A raised eyebrow can mean, “Please rescue me.” Stirring iced tea clockwise can mean, “Change the subject.” Placing both hands over your face can mean, “Too late, he has discovered YouTube research.” These signals add an element of teamwork and may prevent the kind of silence that follows when someone says, “Well, I did my own research.”
Most important, remember the human being beneath the lecture. Annoying relatives are still relatives. They may be lonely, insecure, bored, or simply over-caffeinated. A little grace can go a long way, especially when paired with mashed potatoes and gravy. It’s not necessary to surrender your convictions, only your need to correct every cracked fact before dessert. Peace, like gravy, is best served generously.
So, when the holiday know-it-all corners you beside the cranberry sauce and begins explaining a topic he learned about forty minutes ago, smile. Breathe. Nod at sensible intervals. Then say, “Interesting,” and ask if he has tried the rolls, or whether he prefers light or dark meat.
You might not change his mind, but you just might save the holiday. In family life, that counts as a win, and unlike most arguments, it goes well with leftovers. | NWI
