Be careful what you wish for; you might just get it. This is sage advice, just as the old saying, ‘train up a child in the way it should go, and it will not depart from it.’ If you’re wondering where I’m going with this opening, fear not for I’m about to tell you.
This is about parenting, and one of the things that some parents do that is, in my humble opinion, an absolute no-no because of the long term deleterious effect it has on a child’s development. That thing, dear reader, is verbally abusing your child by calling them pejorative names like ‘stupid,’ ‘bad,’ and other not-so nice adjectives when they do something that upsets you.
What’s the harm, you might ask. It’s incalculable, that’s what.
According to many psychologists constant criticism of their children is the most common mistake parents make. This might sound funny to those of you who’ve been raised on a steady diet of complaints that today’s parents are overly indulgent, failing to provide guidance and limits, and are too concerned about being a friend to their child rather than being an authority figure. You might be thinking that criticism of your child’s faults and weaknesses is the way to be a good parent. Common sense should tell you that it’s not so.
Think about how you feel when you’re criticized. No matter how much effort you put into a project at work, your boss finds fault with it. Your spouse points out that you forgot to take out the trash and ignores the fact that you didn’t leave the toilet seat up. It’s demoralizing isn’t it? Makes you want to smash something, or go off in a corner and curl up in the fetal position. Well, think about how your kids feel when you do that to them.
Constant criticism leads to anger and defiance or withdrawal, which leads to more criticism, followed by more anger, defiance or withdrawal. The more this happens, the more you feel it’s justified, and the angrier and more rebellious the child becomes. You think you’re doing what’s best for your child, while the child thinks you really don’t expect much from him or her.
What’s the worse thing that can happen? Well, it could very well transpire that the child begins to accept that he or she is as bad as you’re constantly saying, so they give up and accept it. In other words, instead of living up to your desires, they live down to your obvious expectations. You might not have consciously ‘wished’ for it, but your words and actions have belied your true wishes and you’ve trained your child in the way it should not go. You meant well, but you forgot that the road to perdition is paved with good intentions. We criticized because we wanted the child to improve. We went full stick and forgot that carrots can provide sustenance. We think we’re being constructive while oblivious to the destruction taking replace right before our eyes.
The next time you feel like criticizing your child, stop and think first. Is it really warranted? Is there another way to teach a lesson without resorting to negative incentives? Before you say anything, mentally change places and think how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
If you want your child to live up rather than down, you might want to consider not being such a downer yourself. | NWI
